"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
