it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
