I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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