You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
They have beer where we have blood.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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