i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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