I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
did i just pee glitter
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
