I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
