i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
