Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
