I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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