my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
