You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
