I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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