Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
