I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
