my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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