Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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