man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
