The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
