I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
