every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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