I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
