I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
