I think my fart just growled at me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
