I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
