you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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