considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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