If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
