im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
