I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
