i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
