those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
