so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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