remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
