Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
