A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
