and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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