Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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