Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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