She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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