She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
