On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
