y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
