There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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