So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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