i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
