The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
