Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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