he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
