Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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