I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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